utopia

i saw you once. you stared. you did.
you might not have looked, really.
but you took one glimpse.
as they would put it in that song,
"it's a threefold Utopian dream".
how do you define happiness?
i want to know.
and, too,
in wishes and songs.
it's me
my name
what i have
that spells it.
your happiness, personified.

latest addiction

TADAAAAN!!!

The Backyardigans!!!

Hi, I'm Pablo.
My name's Tyrone.
I'm Uniqua.
I'm Tasha.
And my name is Austin.
And we're ...


Your backyard friends, the Backyardigans!
Together in the backyard again,
In the place where we belong,
Where we'll prob'ly sing a song,
And we'll maybe dance along.

We've got the whole wide world in our yard to explore.
We always find things we've never seen before.
That's why every day we're back for more
With your friends, the Backyardigans.

to mama, with so much love

and why i celebrate today:

1. you have promised to love papa above and beyond the context of marriage.
2. you have agreed to be a mother biologically to me and merlou, and whole heartedly to kuya kris, kelly, ate kareen, kuya karlo and kuya patrick.
3. because merlou dave won't be as happy as he is now without his "mama" in you.
4. because 23 years and 21 days ago, you have endured a 48 hour labor before giving birth to me.
5. for giving me a pa-star name that you consistently tell me na unique at lagi naman namimiss-spell at miss-pronounce, nevertheless, i can't and won't imagine having a name other than ma. pheona monica. aww, you dropped the monica pala. lucky me.
6. you have instilled the value of family, love, forgiveness and positive outlook towards life and living it.
7. for not sending me home after three months of my "testing" studies in tacloban.
8. for naming after me our garments manufacturing business. hahaha! sosyalan lang!
9. be cause you let me hug you alooooot and..
10. for hugging me so tight when i'm sleeping.

ten is microscopic. enumerating the number of times that you stand by the term and your role as a mother is a futile attempt. you've done so much and getting in return less. the pureness of your heart is the safe blanket that keeps me and noynoy going and getting tough wherever we're going.

we love you

and we intend to show it

in all the more-than-one ways that we know of.

love is a word you're spelling out for us

and that we'll say out loud back to you

through all it's possible definition.

happy mother's day mama!

sort of a prelude to proceeding entries

hehe. parang excuse lang ah.

oh, let me thank first to you all my family, friends, lovers (?) and countrymen who made my birthday soooo memorabilia!!! sana nabusog ko kayo, dahil ako hindi. wah! hehehe! and i'm going to post something about it and why the irony.

well, i was supposed to post that entry two hours after the MNL clock striked at12am. surprisingly, as i am a birthday-obsessed-sort-of-freak, i did not. but of course, i will! that would definitely after i get back to manila.

yes. right after i get back and that would be less than 24 hours from this very moment.

because i'm HOOOOME!!!
i'm a dalakit baby, very catarmananon baby!!!

and among my i-really-love-life moments here are:
*sleeping in mama and papa's room, AGAIN.
*being constipated and after drinking begerlai nagsuperlbm na ako.
*the "charcoal" experience -translation: ang uminom ng charcoal, as in uling, juice. laban?
*going to church with mama ug papa and
*being dehydrated, i almost fainted there
*being ate pretty to dave
*being hugged by mama very very very tightly and
*being papa's girl all over again, lahat ng whims tinotolerate ni ama. cheers!



but i'll be leaving tomorrow for manila

mamingaw na naman...

but on the very bright side of it, i'll be seeing everybody again! hola hola hola! and before hugging and making beso beso with you guys (konyotik mode ako. and oo, in spite and despite of swine flu 'to, beybeh!), ito, para sa mga nabibigyan ko ng daily dose thru this blog:

witch- miss na din kita. soooper! powerhug ulit pagdating ko! wah! madidis-appoint nga lang kitra kasi walang pajama.. busy lahat nga mga makina eh.. wah! nonetheless, may pasalubong pa din: powerhuggg! yabyuuu!

babybear: amishuuuu naman. magkikita na tayo bukas at salamat kasi pina-smile mo ako ng text mo kanina kahit di ako nakapagreply, alam mo naman kung ano ang features ng cellphone ko. hehehe! kamusta kay papabear.

mareng bear: mishuuuu! mukhang kinakabahan ako sa maari mong gawin sa mga darating na mga araw... wah!

kirby: haha. ito na, at nagpaparamdam na ako! salamat at nahalata kong miss mo na ako. haha. or yung mga entries kong pinbagpipyestahan mo kapag wala si amo mo. mahal kita kirby kahit warla ka!

lestat: mahalllll! hows tofiluk? wag kang magselos kung kinakamusta niya ako dahil natatakot ako baka si deliciosa na ang maging defendee mo! wah! scaryyyy yun mahal! i sooo miss you. tell kelly walang shorts kasi lahat longs. nyerk. sa wednesday pa pala tayo magkikita. hay, it's agonizing...

*toot*: how's hell? i mean, your dp feel? hehehe. as usual, love you pa rin. whahaha! yun lang. bow.


basta, may three entries akong i-popost after this, bago man lang matapos ang aking lurvley birth month.

see ya and tatah!

birthday bliss

tomorrow she'll be 23...

and the story started with these two...

who later on had:

that actually, actually, actually started with a lousy date.

err, ahm, yeah. not that lousy at all.
pumayag makipagdate eh.
dinaan sa malagkit na tingin at pasweet na smile...

and after three months:

tantantadan
tantantadan tantantadan
tantadan
tantadan....

and they lived and loved and quarreled and loved and raised a son and the loveliest daughter! ever! everrrrr! afterrrr!

yes naman!

blog ko 'to diba?!!!

ahahaha.

and i'd always be thankful for having you both...
had i been that good 23 years ago to be blessed ni daddy God
with a family like this?


and this is how i spell
bliss.

and the verdict is:

papalag ka pa ba?!
ahahaha!

umabot nga
at magfo-floorwalk pa ako.
mukhang di ata siya magtatanong
at natunugan na ang mga mangyayari.
wow.
parang may pagkaparak pala siya.
or CSI ps.

whatever.
ang sweet lang.

magbibirthday na ako eh.


so okey lang
na si mapen ay mag-inarte.
bwahahahahahahahaha!

missing my ma'am days

because i miss calling their names for recitation.
because i miss calling their names for attendance.
because i still wish to tell them that literature is more than what their world think it is.
because i still believe i will do good in interpreting the Philippine constitution.
because it really feels good knowing that some of them are now nurses and some have graduated with honors.
because i know it's my dream since 5.
because i still believe that i can work without thinking too much about how well i'm being compensated.
and because i know, it's here where i do best.

...of vocation and passion for learning.
i'll be having a return.

so hot: of fever and old flames

36.8.
negative.
my temperature according to april, the nurse on duty sa office. but i feel feverish. it's because of the colds. and it definitely doesn't help that i'm having hormonal issues because of my period. grrr. it's not easy being a girl and working in a cold center, you know. (parang tunog pakyaw ako dito ah.)

***************

rojoe.
i find it amusing: finding myself so unattached to any emotion while chatting with him. with james "mighty" bond. it's liberating. and made me think if in years to come i'll be in the very same term with him -friends and content of the subtle conversation, nothing more. almost everybody who know me during college would know how this "phenomena" would fit in that term, they all know how my stalking ability was enhanced and been polished on those four years because of rojoe. i'll post some time my multiply entry about him so you'll get a glimpse of that not-so-controversial-part of my quite-ordinary college life.

anyhow, i'm happy that we're friends now and i don't feel like fainting and drowning into the world of catatonic schizophrenia because of him. i've new subject for that event now. bwa-ha-ha.

introspeksyun

ano nga ba ang gagawin ko kung di macredit yung OTRDs ko?
dalawa pa naman yun?
nyay.
charge to experience?
wah!
parang mas apt kung
charge to katangahan.
wah!
why did it slip off my mind?!
bakit nga kaya...

-ito ako kanina while nasa office.

-ito ako habang nasa jeep pauwi after shift:

bakit nga kaya nagkaganun?
ganun ba ako kapre-occupied to not think
of the possibility na dapat may extra effort pa para magkapera ako?
like ang mag-apply sa myprime.
pera.
pera.
lagi na lang talaga ako pera these days.
kung hindi si *toot*
yung bukambibig ko,
pera.
nagholyweek na nga at lahat
pera pa din.
nagkachance ako magnilay nilay ng holy week
pero pinili ko pa rin ang pera.
si maphene
mukha ng pera.

-at ito na naman ako ngayon, habang nagboblog.

siguro yun ang nasabi ni papa God.
na di ko na sya naiisip
despite of the blessings
na binibigay Niya everyday.
dapat pa nga thankful ako.
and besides, wala akong ibang taong masisi
which I usually do everytime that something like this happens.
just myself.
my greedy self.
tapos feeling ko pa superior ako.
nagiging bitchy na naman ako.
yung parang nang-aaway sa mga taong nagmamahal sa akin.
why have i been bad?
si chast
sinusungitan ko madalas.
sabi ni ran nagiging hobby ko 'to pag nagiging close yung isang tao sa 'kin.
ayoko maging ganun
feeling ko tini-test ko yung pagiging steadfast nang friendship nila sa 'kin.
ayoko ng ganung ugali.
di maganda sa pakiramdam.
too heavy.
parang 'di ako.
salamat at lagi nila akong inuunawa.
lagi ni B1/C1 akong inuunawa.
lagi Niya akong inuunawa.


thus,

di man macredit, *gulp!*, yung mga overtime ko ng two days.
oo two days, restdays na OT yun.*gulp!*
blessed pa rin ako.

aabot na ako ng 23rd year ko sa mundo na marami pa rin ang nagmamahal.

at syempre
may mga darating pang...

magmamahal.

ahahaha!

(di lang mukhang pera, malanditots pa! ewww!)


alam ko,

magiging very good girl ang 23 year old na ma. pheona caranzo esteria.

totoo.

RETURNINGS...

I want to go back to what once upon
a time we all called our house,
to go up the old staircase,
to open the doors, the windows.

I want to stay there for a while, a while
listening to that same rain –
I never knew for certain
if it was water or music.

I want to go out on the balconies
where a girl leaned out
to see the swallows arrive
that came back in December.

Maybe I can still find it
my eyes fixed on that time,
with a flame of distances
burning on the small forehead.

I want to cross the tepid patio
of sun and roses and grasshoppers,
to touch the whitewashed walls,
the absent echo of the cages.

Perhaps the doves are still
flying around it,
to show me the way
fading in the shadows.

I want to know if what I look for
is in a dream or in my childhood.
For I am lost and I must find myself,
face and soul, in another place.

by: meira delmar (from REENCUENTRO)

**i have always been so obsessed with homecomings, reunions, reconciliations and the likes. a fan of this kind of events, l0ving the feeling and idea of togetherness, of returns. it's the odysseus motif that hits home, being able to find and return to the familiar, my comfort zone as someone better. nostalgia. i , too, want to find a better maphene surrounded again with the things,places and people who defined happiness for me. and this poem by Meira delMar truly captures that feeling. and since i'm having some episodes (no, not that kind that usually leads to breakdown!) lately, and since this is my blog and i believe i won't be accused of plagiarism, then the post above.

pre-birthday blues

(translation: sheer pag-iinarte)



in eight days time i'll be 23.
23 is a pretty age, i know.
it should be a time when you already know what is going to be good or bad for you:
people
places
time
and emotion.
i know i shouldn't be
scared
but
yes
i
AM.


i don't know where the anxiety here was born.
all i know is that along the way of moving out of region 8 and facing the lots of manila,
it was reared.
anxious of what's in store for me for the coming months.
i want to know which of those will terrify me,
and
which will bring out the best in M.E. (maphene esteria) hehe.

whew!

i'm still not used in putting into words and cultivating through it
these monsters in my head.
surprises are surprises.
life won't be life without it.

yes.
yet.

i still think surprises should be more happy surprises when you are 23.

whew! whew!

well, this litil gerl here is still and of course happy looking forward to an exciting 23 as she had a blast being 22.


PAUNAWA: (parang CR lang. hehe.)

for those who had the fancy of reading this:

don't forget your gift!
huwag kalimutan ang regalo!
'yawg kalimot ug regalo, beh!
waray maglilimot sa regalo!

what kept me, baby.

yohooo!
after nine, as in N-I-N-E, straight days of working i finally had my rest day!
and i'm so amazed for surviving the perils!

bwahahaha!

oh yes, it wasn't that easy but see, i made it!
and so, how did i REALLY, survived the perpetual graveyard hours?
read on, baby:

*flinstones gummies. this is adrian's vitamin that he doesn't ever like to take. eh masarap, so sino ba naman ako to not be tempted. but yes, this is very effective, i love it more than enervon with the energy and happiness KC promises.
*bpi boi noynoy. having him for a brother kept me up and running. mahilig humingi ng pera kahit may sweldo. kaya kayod ng kayod lamang ang ever reliable na ate. he has a new pet name for me, tigressa. and i call him kapatid ni mingki (our cat) in return of the favor. sweet brother, that is.


*kain construction. self explanatory.




*i dont sleep that much.
i dream.
chos.
ZZzzz...

and ultimately...

tsadan!!!


*ang magstalk. nye. i mean, and mag-imagine.




so, learned something?

hehe.

as the mantra goes,

live.laugh.love.

at work paminsan minsan.