quick question la'ang

paano ba ang maging prim and proper?
l can't count the ways.
wah.

non-happy

"are you unhappy?",i've been asked this for the nth time last night.

wah.
am i?

let me put it this way, I am happy.
I am happy, yes I am.

there are just some things that make me frown this past few days or weeks, for this matter.

so as to dissolve these into thin molecules, here's a list:

1. i've been overworkin. not that i'm obliged, imjust being addicted to harassing myself by not resting at all.

2. ironically, i'm burn out. there's so much to say yet i'm so lazy to explain.

3. being bothered because of "hala! ang payat payat mo masyado!" remarks, said way too loudly to ignore.

4. defective c510 sony ericsson phone. yes, the one i just bought last month.

5. not having enough time to read my books.

6. superiority complex infested people that plagues my day.

7. shatting isn't getting easier.

8. nostalgic dreams.

9. missing the parents soooo much.

10. boy anghel utak polboron pa rin.


i'm happy.
true.
sayawan pa kita ng halukay ube. *wink*

utopia

i saw you once. you stared. you did.
you might not have looked, really.
but you took one glimpse.
as they would put it in that song,
"it's a threefold Utopian dream".
how do you define happiness?
i want to know.
and, too,
in wishes and songs.
it's me
my name
what i have
that spells it.
your happiness, personified.

latest addiction

TADAAAAN!!!

The Backyardigans!!!

Hi, I'm Pablo.
My name's Tyrone.
I'm Uniqua.
I'm Tasha.
And my name is Austin.
And we're ...


Your backyard friends, the Backyardigans!
Together in the backyard again,
In the place where we belong,
Where we'll prob'ly sing a song,
And we'll maybe dance along.

We've got the whole wide world in our yard to explore.
We always find things we've never seen before.
That's why every day we're back for more
With your friends, the Backyardigans.

to mama, with so much love

and why i celebrate today:

1. you have promised to love papa above and beyond the context of marriage.
2. you have agreed to be a mother biologically to me and merlou, and whole heartedly to kuya kris, kelly, ate kareen, kuya karlo and kuya patrick.
3. because merlou dave won't be as happy as he is now without his "mama" in you.
4. because 23 years and 21 days ago, you have endured a 48 hour labor before giving birth to me.
5. for giving me a pa-star name that you consistently tell me na unique at lagi naman namimiss-spell at miss-pronounce, nevertheless, i can't and won't imagine having a name other than ma. pheona monica. aww, you dropped the monica pala. lucky me.
6. you have instilled the value of family, love, forgiveness and positive outlook towards life and living it.
7. for not sending me home after three months of my "testing" studies in tacloban.
8. for naming after me our garments manufacturing business. hahaha! sosyalan lang!
9. be cause you let me hug you alooooot and..
10. for hugging me so tight when i'm sleeping.

ten is microscopic. enumerating the number of times that you stand by the term and your role as a mother is a futile attempt. you've done so much and getting in return less. the pureness of your heart is the safe blanket that keeps me and noynoy going and getting tough wherever we're going.

we love you

and we intend to show it

in all the more-than-one ways that we know of.

love is a word you're spelling out for us

and that we'll say out loud back to you

through all it's possible definition.

happy mother's day mama!

limbo

and you can never please everybody.
how many times should i tell myself and remind my senses not to pout when someone comes my way and show their different degree of dislike towards me? how many effin times, maphene?

sort of a love letter

if there's something that i've adamantly told my self and some of my beloved persons, is that i haven't fallen in love/lurve yet and will never ever write (or post in this case) something like what you'll read below...until..this... very... moment. until 'his' moment. so, here, a sort of what you may or can call a love letter for someone who might not get the chance to read this. but emotions are emotions, that is if contained, will just outpour itself in your most unimaginable way. so let me do it my way...

to you who is most concerned,

i almost succeeded in convincing myself that the hate i'm feeling for you and your animosity towards me will eventually lead to my freedom from this fiasco.
but yes, almost, just almost.
on the verge.
getting there.
haphazardly done.
and it's all because i saw you so vulnerable, sad and alone. maybe because i have juxtaposed your disposition against mine and i've felt responsible for the loneliness and wariness that you're in. because of this, i almost broke my society-based-wall and have hugged you without any explanation, without a single damn care of what they will say about me. i like you and that what should have just mattered. but i didn't. because i have seen the dislike in your eyes when i tried to give you my all-heart-out smile. it hurt. but it hurts more seeing you so lonely, no friends at all.

i could have been that friend. i wish that i'm that someone who will make you laugh and will show you the world of stories i've so many to offer. my current story is yours but i've some other to tell that my heart tells me you'll definitely like and eventually will cultivate that sound of laughter i love hearing from you. so priceless. so you see, i don't bother how corny is spelled, baby.

you seated beside me and i, again, almost told you that i never expect anything in return or any kind of reciprocation. all i just want to tell you because somehow, i believe that you deserve to know that your mere presence makes someone's moment in time worthwhile and living.

you've been great to me in more ways than one that i know of and if you'll stay the same, i don't know how will i cross next bridge from there. but again, the warmth i feel every time you initiate a conversation, is a piece of happiness beyond definition.

thank you.

sincereliestiest,
m.e.

sort of a prelude to proceeding entries

hehe. parang excuse lang ah.

oh, let me thank first to you all my family, friends, lovers (?) and countrymen who made my birthday soooo memorabilia!!! sana nabusog ko kayo, dahil ako hindi. wah! hehehe! and i'm going to post something about it and why the irony.

well, i was supposed to post that entry two hours after the MNL clock striked at12am. surprisingly, as i am a birthday-obsessed-sort-of-freak, i did not. but of course, i will! that would definitely after i get back to manila.

yes. right after i get back and that would be less than 24 hours from this very moment.

because i'm HOOOOME!!!
i'm a dalakit baby, very catarmananon baby!!!

and among my i-really-love-life moments here are:
*sleeping in mama and papa's room, AGAIN.
*being constipated and after drinking begerlai nagsuperlbm na ako.
*the "charcoal" experience -translation: ang uminom ng charcoal, as in uling, juice. laban?
*going to church with mama ug papa and
*being dehydrated, i almost fainted there
*being ate pretty to dave
*being hugged by mama very very very tightly and
*being papa's girl all over again, lahat ng whims tinotolerate ni ama. cheers!



but i'll be leaving tomorrow for manila

mamingaw na naman...

but on the very bright side of it, i'll be seeing everybody again! hola hola hola! and before hugging and making beso beso with you guys (konyotik mode ako. and oo, in spite and despite of swine flu 'to, beybeh!), ito, para sa mga nabibigyan ko ng daily dose thru this blog:

witch- miss na din kita. soooper! powerhug ulit pagdating ko! wah! madidis-appoint nga lang kitra kasi walang pajama.. busy lahat nga mga makina eh.. wah! nonetheless, may pasalubong pa din: powerhuggg! yabyuuu!

babybear: amishuuuu naman. magkikita na tayo bukas at salamat kasi pina-smile mo ako ng text mo kanina kahit di ako nakapagreply, alam mo naman kung ano ang features ng cellphone ko. hehehe! kamusta kay papabear.

mareng bear: mishuuuu! mukhang kinakabahan ako sa maari mong gawin sa mga darating na mga araw... wah!

kirby: haha. ito na, at nagpaparamdam na ako! salamat at nahalata kong miss mo na ako. haha. or yung mga entries kong pinbagpipyestahan mo kapag wala si amo mo. mahal kita kirby kahit warla ka!

lestat: mahalllll! hows tofiluk? wag kang magselos kung kinakamusta niya ako dahil natatakot ako baka si deliciosa na ang maging defendee mo! wah! scaryyyy yun mahal! i sooo miss you. tell kelly walang shorts kasi lahat longs. nyerk. sa wednesday pa pala tayo magkikita. hay, it's agonizing...

*toot*: how's hell? i mean, your dp feel? hehehe. as usual, love you pa rin. whahaha! yun lang. bow.


basta, may three entries akong i-popost after this, bago man lang matapos ang aking lurvley birth month.

see ya and tatah!

birthday bliss

tomorrow she'll be 23...

and the story started with these two...

who later on had:

that actually, actually, actually started with a lousy date.

err, ahm, yeah. not that lousy at all.
pumayag makipagdate eh.
dinaan sa malagkit na tingin at pasweet na smile...

and after three months:

tantantadan
tantantadan tantantadan
tantadan
tantadan....

and they lived and loved and quarreled and loved and raised a son and the loveliest daughter! ever! everrrrr! afterrrr!

yes naman!

blog ko 'to diba?!!!

ahahaha.

and i'd always be thankful for having you both...
had i been that good 23 years ago to be blessed ni daddy God
with a family like this?


and this is how i spell
bliss.

and the verdict is:

papalag ka pa ba?!
ahahaha!

umabot nga
at magfo-floorwalk pa ako.
mukhang di ata siya magtatanong
at natunugan na ang mga mangyayari.
wow.
parang may pagkaparak pala siya.
or CSI ps.

whatever.
ang sweet lang.

magbibirthday na ako eh.


so okey lang
na si mapen ay mag-inarte.
bwahahahahahahahaha!

fortywinking...after three years.

fortywinks in their final shenanigan, err, production ,ay, graduation pala!

three years.
we're so not fresh graduates anymore.
characters in search of authors sabi pa ni maam merl.
and indeed,
life didn't end with sablays and
that empty red diploma keeper.

pero

mamingaw na.

duro la.

it's my blog anyway. bwahaha!

i've already posted this in facebook and friendster bulletin. but for immortalizing purposes i'm posting this. and for you violent reactors, read the title if you may.

ten really random facts about you.
10. I call my parents, mamagorgeous and papahandsome.
09. I love eating okra w/ soy sauce syempre, papak is actually the right term,
08. I have a general name for my crushes sa phone ko, they are all Totoy Kending.
07. I used to think and still feels that merlou, my brother, and i are twins.
06. I am a level 4 stalker. aw kay may levels! (5 is the most superb)
05. Most of my clothes are from ukay ukay.
04. I love wearing pajamas.
03. I looove frank sinatra and john legend.
02. I have 2 one way free cebu pacific tickets. inggit inggit naman dyan!
01. I enjoy watching playhouse disney shows.

nine ways to win my heart.
09. Be timid looking but
08. Surprise me by being talkative once we're closer than close. huh?! hehe.
07. Must be an AB English major. oppps! ahaha!
06. Sing for me. videoke queen ako so...
05. Must know how to hug hug hug.
04. Walk me home. kahit sa balara ka pa nakatira at ako taguigers.
03. Be family oriented.
02. must know how to truncate words when texting.
01. Must know how to contact eye-to-eyely. nye! haha!

eight things i carry/wear every day.
08. Pajama!
07. Malong.
06. Watch
05. Rings and earrings ni mama.
04. Undies! naman!
03. Corny jokes.
02. Confidence
01. Smile :)

seven things that annoy me.
07. Lack of sleep.
06. Power tripping.
05. Slave driving.
04. My own laziness.
03. Dense fifol.
02. I'm having second thoughts about my june plans!
01. Totoy kendings who replies a profound "haha." to your 3 frames, 499 character text message.

six places i've vistited.
06. Cebu.
05. Baguio.
04. Bohol.
03. Iloilo
02. Bacolod
01. Boracay.

olala! feeling turista diba?

five things i want to do before i die.
05. Finish reading all my novels.
04. Umibig ng totoo. ahaha!
03. Complete writing a novel.
02. Watch my favorite plays and musical in London.
01. magEuropean tour w/ mama ug papa.

four things i'm afraid of.
04. Being left.
03. the unseen. basta unseen.
02. Being unhappy and unsatisfied 10 years from now.
01. losing someone dear to me.

three things i do every day.
03. Laugh
02. Mag-stalk and magkacrush. ahaha!
01. Magpasalamat.

two things i'm trying not to do now.
02. take a bath. haha.
01. magbasa.

one person you want to see right now.
01. parents. missing them.

truth boggling

with her is the death of the fragmented multiple truth that the filipino audience is intrigued to know. intrigue is the term as her husband is a famous broadcaster, a public figure, and people had been used to hearing his stunts and his accolades. i too is very much intrigued to know what had really happened and hoped that she'd live. domestic violence. maybe it is. maybe it's not. but a life ended. a story about an ended life is always sad, melancholy. but it's sadder to know that no one will ever know what had happened, taking her perspective on it. but then, that's the truth.

and as truth is:

never singular.
never arbitrary.
always complex.
always lacking.


with all its wide media coverage, may no one will take advantage of the situation so as to not to hurt more people. as still, nobody still knows and most probably will know what had really happened prior the fiasco.

missing my ma'am days

because i miss calling their names for recitation.
because i miss calling their names for attendance.
because i still wish to tell them that literature is more than what their world think it is.
because i still believe i will do good in interpreting the Philippine constitution.
because it really feels good knowing that some of them are now nurses and some have graduated with honors.
because i know it's my dream since 5.
because i still believe that i can work without thinking too much about how well i'm being compensated.
and because i know, it's here where i do best.

...of vocation and passion for learning.
i'll be having a return.

to greenhills and beyond

yesterday was a hit. reytch, khey and i bounced back from all nauseating calls. we had a blast by going to greenhills and crashing trinoma timezone down. i'll be posting some drop-dead-serious pictures after getting reytch's go signal. masaya to! ahaha! you shouldn't miss watching it for the world mga beybeh!

sheer delight

new haircut. cardigan. red stripes. leaning. him.


but a part of me is still hating you.
but still
and
still
hate will never be the adversary of...

so hot: of fever and old flames

36.8.
negative.
my temperature according to april, the nurse on duty sa office. but i feel feverish. it's because of the colds. and it definitely doesn't help that i'm having hormonal issues because of my period. grrr. it's not easy being a girl and working in a cold center, you know. (parang tunog pakyaw ako dito ah.)

***************

rojoe.
i find it amusing: finding myself so unattached to any emotion while chatting with him. with james "mighty" bond. it's liberating. and made me think if in years to come i'll be in the very same term with him -friends and content of the subtle conversation, nothing more. almost everybody who know me during college would know how this "phenomena" would fit in that term, they all know how my stalking ability was enhanced and been polished on those four years because of rojoe. i'll post some time my multiply entry about him so you'll get a glimpse of that not-so-controversial-part of my quite-ordinary college life.

anyhow, i'm happy that we're friends now and i don't feel like fainting and drowning into the world of catatonic schizophrenia because of him. i've new subject for that event now. bwa-ha-ha.

introspeksyun

ano nga ba ang gagawin ko kung di macredit yung OTRDs ko?
dalawa pa naman yun?
nyay.
charge to experience?
wah!
parang mas apt kung
charge to katangahan.
wah!
why did it slip off my mind?!
bakit nga kaya...

-ito ako kanina while nasa office.

-ito ako habang nasa jeep pauwi after shift:

bakit nga kaya nagkaganun?
ganun ba ako kapre-occupied to not think
of the possibility na dapat may extra effort pa para magkapera ako?
like ang mag-apply sa myprime.
pera.
pera.
lagi na lang talaga ako pera these days.
kung hindi si *toot*
yung bukambibig ko,
pera.
nagholyweek na nga at lahat
pera pa din.
nagkachance ako magnilay nilay ng holy week
pero pinili ko pa rin ang pera.
si maphene
mukha ng pera.

-at ito na naman ako ngayon, habang nagboblog.

siguro yun ang nasabi ni papa God.
na di ko na sya naiisip
despite of the blessings
na binibigay Niya everyday.
dapat pa nga thankful ako.
and besides, wala akong ibang taong masisi
which I usually do everytime that something like this happens.
just myself.
my greedy self.
tapos feeling ko pa superior ako.
nagiging bitchy na naman ako.
yung parang nang-aaway sa mga taong nagmamahal sa akin.
why have i been bad?
si chast
sinusungitan ko madalas.
sabi ni ran nagiging hobby ko 'to pag nagiging close yung isang tao sa 'kin.
ayoko maging ganun
feeling ko tini-test ko yung pagiging steadfast nang friendship nila sa 'kin.
ayoko ng ganung ugali.
di maganda sa pakiramdam.
too heavy.
parang 'di ako.
salamat at lagi nila akong inuunawa.
lagi ni B1/C1 akong inuunawa.
lagi Niya akong inuunawa.


thus,

di man macredit, *gulp!*, yung mga overtime ko ng two days.
oo two days, restdays na OT yun.*gulp!*
blessed pa rin ako.

aabot na ako ng 23rd year ko sa mundo na marami pa rin ang nagmamahal.

at syempre
may mga darating pang...

magmamahal.

ahahaha!

(di lang mukhang pera, malanditots pa! ewww!)


alam ko,

magiging very good girl ang 23 year old na ma. pheona caranzo esteria.

totoo.

RETURNINGS...

I want to go back to what once upon
a time we all called our house,
to go up the old staircase,
to open the doors, the windows.

I want to stay there for a while, a while
listening to that same rain –
I never knew for certain
if it was water or music.

I want to go out on the balconies
where a girl leaned out
to see the swallows arrive
that came back in December.

Maybe I can still find it
my eyes fixed on that time,
with a flame of distances
burning on the small forehead.

I want to cross the tepid patio
of sun and roses and grasshoppers,
to touch the whitewashed walls,
the absent echo of the cages.

Perhaps the doves are still
flying around it,
to show me the way
fading in the shadows.

I want to know if what I look for
is in a dream or in my childhood.
For I am lost and I must find myself,
face and soul, in another place.

by: meira delmar (from REENCUENTRO)

**i have always been so obsessed with homecomings, reunions, reconciliations and the likes. a fan of this kind of events, l0ving the feeling and idea of togetherness, of returns. it's the odysseus motif that hits home, being able to find and return to the familiar, my comfort zone as someone better. nostalgia. i , too, want to find a better maphene surrounded again with the things,places and people who defined happiness for me. and this poem by Meira delMar truly captures that feeling. and since i'm having some episodes (no, not that kind that usually leads to breakdown!) lately, and since this is my blog and i believe i won't be accused of plagiarism, then the post above.

pre-birthday blues

(translation: sheer pag-iinarte)



in eight days time i'll be 23.
23 is a pretty age, i know.
it should be a time when you already know what is going to be good or bad for you:
people
places
time
and emotion.
i know i shouldn't be
scared
but
yes
i
AM.


i don't know where the anxiety here was born.
all i know is that along the way of moving out of region 8 and facing the lots of manila,
it was reared.
anxious of what's in store for me for the coming months.
i want to know which of those will terrify me,
and
which will bring out the best in M.E. (maphene esteria) hehe.

whew!

i'm still not used in putting into words and cultivating through it
these monsters in my head.
surprises are surprises.
life won't be life without it.

yes.
yet.

i still think surprises should be more happy surprises when you are 23.

whew! whew!

well, this litil gerl here is still and of course happy looking forward to an exciting 23 as she had a blast being 22.


PAUNAWA: (parang CR lang. hehe.)

for those who had the fancy of reading this:

don't forget your gift!
huwag kalimutan ang regalo!
'yawg kalimot ug regalo, beh!
waray maglilimot sa regalo!

heck and whatnots

i was devastated when chast told me that he "joked" about despising her and the whole dp gang for forcing him to be trained. what he did is so infuriating. why would he joke around meanly telling people that he wouldn't talk to them just because he felt so gwapo? he dropped words like he's going to make hell out of it! what?! out of what?! to hell with him but i'll be making it more easier for him to get his wish (insert sinister laugh here). oh yes! i'm so willing to pave his way there and beyond.
grrrr!
why would he say things like that, i really can't rationalize, no matter how hard i try to do it. he's just so irrational and mean, to the core. well, it's going to be his loss if he won't enjoy things as they are.
ekkk!
okey, so much for that.

let's face the D-vil and show him his home in the days to come.
bwahahahahahahahahaha!
i can't be more than ready!
BWAHAHAHA!

___________________________________

because of our recent exchange of text messages, i'm missing papa again. why not, he'd been so cool and wow-na-papa with his responses to my maphenic messages.

since my brother and i never fail to text him and mama our whereabouts for the day and his usual reply is always a "God bless u always", i really laughed my life and limb out. and here it is:

me: I love you mamahusay and papapogi! superduper love! bwahahaha!
papa: ur words r alien to me but i like it! Ha ha ha
me: take from the prettiest daughter of the loveliest couple in whole widest world!
papa: mana ka nga talaga sa 'kin.
me: pero mas mana si mirlu sa'yo, laging nasa mirror, porma nang porma.
papa: so tanggap mo na? ha ha ha
me: oo naman, magbibirthday na ata ako tapos syempre magreregalo kayo.
papa: ay ganun ba? eh diba lagi ka nang may load?
me: (nahirapan na magreply hanggangs a dumating ng ps at iniwan ang phone sa locker.)

cheers for the best father mapen is blessed to have!

__________________________________________

oh yes! may blog na si baby bear!
well, that's, one positive thing that came out of that, err, accident.
nagkablog tuloy sa blogspot!
saan ka pa?!
may benda na sa ulo at lahat lahat nag sign-in pa sa blogspot!
hindi lang pang local escalation 'to.
may ps loyalty award na ata 'to eh.
and yes, not to mention, blogspot award.
so here's the link: aiza.
take a peep and you'll know what the accident is so all about.

and one more thing, binigyan siya ng 100php nung nakabangga sa kanila. kamanghamazing, right?!
di nya ata namention to sa blog niya.
hehe.
mention na lang dito. winner kasi.

_______________________________________

what am i supposed to do w/ my tickets?

gawrd, cebu pacific dudes, can you let me use it in june instead?

puh-lease?

(batting eyelashes)

what kept me, baby.

yohooo!
after nine, as in N-I-N-E, straight days of working i finally had my rest day!
and i'm so amazed for surviving the perils!

bwahahaha!

oh yes, it wasn't that easy but see, i made it!
and so, how did i REALLY, survived the perpetual graveyard hours?
read on, baby:

*flinstones gummies. this is adrian's vitamin that he doesn't ever like to take. eh masarap, so sino ba naman ako to not be tempted. but yes, this is very effective, i love it more than enervon with the energy and happiness KC promises.
*bpi boi noynoy. having him for a brother kept me up and running. mahilig humingi ng pera kahit may sweldo. kaya kayod ng kayod lamang ang ever reliable na ate. he has a new pet name for me, tigressa. and i call him kapatid ni mingki (our cat) in return of the favor. sweet brother, that is.


*kain construction. self explanatory.




*i dont sleep that much.
i dream.
chos.
ZZzzz...

and ultimately...

tsadan!!!


*ang magstalk. nye. i mean, and mag-imagine.




so, learned something?

hehe.

as the mantra goes,

live.laugh.love.

at work paminsan minsan.

just so you know

rayuma.

chast (B1)...titingin tingin
maphene (B2)...kumakain ng mani na bigay ni rida.

B1: oy, tama na ang kakakain ng mani!
B2: nyay, konti lang naman..
B1: teka, ilan na ba nakakain mo?
B2: okey lang yan, iinom naman ako ng madaming watah!
B1: ay at ano ba tingin mo sa URIC ACID, nafa-flush?!

ngayon, si C1 at C2 na kami, CURACHA 1 & 2. haggard lang ang 9 and 13 days straight. brave kami diba? di na nagsawa sa avaya.

*****************************

para sa mahal kong si juan paolo corum:

love as much as you can, that is. go lang ng go! well, at the end of the story, tayo lang din ang makakadefine ng exact meaning ng ating happiness.

*****************************

he now belongs. i thought he won't accept it.
it's as if the universe had conspired so he could be included in taht 5-man list.
i'm not aware that this would happen
but it did and it will.
it's so overwhelming having people who support you all the way.
stepping every possible inch just so you 'll be a happy camper.
i so and do really appreciate it.

being unboyfrienable isn't as difficult as it seem yet not as easy as well.
but i think i still can go by a year or two without having one.
chos.
syempre much better if.dot. dot. dot.
ahahaha!

but to hell with it,
I've many friends to help me get through the rough times.
as reytch would put it, as long as you have friends whose hankies are ever ready as their shoulders, then heartbreaks will be nothing more than ant bites.
yes it is.
i concur.

but still.

i don't know how to feel about it, him being within my vicinity.

hays..

"My heart is drenched in wine
But you'll be on my mind "
-norah jones

"nice" sabi niya. "weh"sabi ko.

and then i lose my way
i close my eyes and
he has found me...

but
only
on my own.


***pero kung di siya, pwede po bang siya na lang?

run-doom

i like anthony taberna (dunno if i spelled his last name correctly, no time to google it) because he has so much conviction. i wish i had his guts, not that i agree with all his stands but with hims aying things be it pro or anti issue, he never fails to amaze me. he's no playing safe, he always make sure that his stands are well conveyed and known. i like him na, mga 5%.


************************

I really am romantic, in the English sense of the word, i believe in the goodness not just of each person but that of the situation. I still believe in the purity of each entity, that whatever is it that corrupts one's mind, the born "savage noble" will still find his/her way towards purity of being.
wah. i miss conrad.

************************

sleep. love. dream. love. reach. love. wish. love. life.

************************

i wish I'm at the hiatus of waiting for the "him".

unfeeling the pinch of things, rather feelings, i can't name.

sleep na maphene.

and you've been told.

i'm no tactless but when i say things that i would really have to say, they just usually flow out from my mouth and my psyche uncontrollably. and worst, i think out loud.

but this morning, i didn't only say the dreaded words for the day, but have conveyed it through email to the target audience. to him.

context: chast told me that he would agree to go out on a date with me if, and only if, i'll have to pay for everything. sugarmama through and through, it made me think thoroughly. yes, i dwelled perpetually on the thought. i'm at my worst when it comes to dating someone i DO like so i'm a bit hesitant of the dating idea. but yes, i agreed w/ a few conditions though.

1. i have to ask him 75 questions which
2. he should answer adequately and
3. he'd have to ask me 100 questions in return.

oh well, obviously, this is to get to know the man better. why not, he didn't even answer all my questions, that was when i attempted to bombard him with a convo last week. he is nice pero he is very , really, suplado. true true true.

owkey, let's go back to the main point of this entry.

so there, he was asked by chast to agree but this only struck the central part of my chest when he practically declined. the man got brains. he knows what logic is. his eloquence is something to be awed but at the same time to be hated. wah. he knows how to use words apt for the situation. and it hurt me again. well, what can little ms.maphene do but grind her teeth and rub her nose. and infuriated w/ his answers and, heck, eloquence, here's what happened next:

i don't really know where i got the confidence at that moment but i asked chast to let me email the man using her outlook with these not-so-controversial-word-salad:

yo! maphene here, yung weird na may crush sa 'yo!
oo crush kita but you don't have to worry kasi my expiry date yung crush ko sayo at malapit na yun! di pwedeng marecycle kasi biodegradable.
ok!

mamangha ka!

there! confidence. oozing with confidence and something i'm not capable of putting a label.
haaay.. i only intend to let my frustration out but what have i gotten myself into is a total mess. waaar! and goodluck to myself as you've guessed it right, the more that i can't get somewhere near him without fainting. subaybayan nalang natin ang fainting sessions.

well, i can look at the brighter sides of it:

since i can't usually contain emotios and thoughts like this, i can easily move on now.
he's able to confirm it even unsolicitedly. haha!

so the resolution here is,
stay the same and just crush him from afar.
a-huh.

and so for you, my man, stay blessed because as much as i want to know it, the expiration date labe l is nowhere to be found.

welkum mapen

blogspot welcomes maphene.blogger.com.

i am maphene.
ma. pheona caranzo esteria, as legal and pertinent papers would put it.
i am impulsive. i'll be celebrating my birthday on the 19th next month.
i'll be 23 then.
i feel like 10 years old though.
hmmm.
this is what i've been trying to figure out for months now.
i'm happy that i'm loved.
i also love loving people who love me in return..
well,
even those who don't. wahaha.

i'm a big fan of love.

i love frank sinatra.
classic jazz soothes my soul.

i want to be happy.
i want the people i love to be happy.

that's all i want.

am i asking for the moon with this?

olalala!